Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
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Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
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I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
*1st day of shooting —Naked and Afraid*
Me: I’m not worried. This will be easy.
Producer: We need to take your shoes—
Me: I quit.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me