Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
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pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
Just why bro?!
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
i have feelings for you but you have to guess which ones
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
moo deng still has yet to endorse a candidate and that’s so telling wow
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
When I was little I asked my dad if I was adopted.
Dad: LOL! Why in the world would we have chosen you?
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong