Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.

– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill

“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter

Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?

Beaver: yes please.

Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.

That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.

“Is this the fifth one?”

– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish

Coffee: hi

Me: hey

*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*

I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”

me: I may have added too much salt

my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me

this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first

Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.

Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’

When you have to use a public restroom.

i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters

*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*

My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.

He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead

GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am

Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking

journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?

me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]

San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.

*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact

Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still

I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG

Need tips on making something look like an accident.

Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.

Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.

Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.