Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.

Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.

surgeon: scalpel.

me: careful, it’s sharp! haha

[everyone screams]

me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke

True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse

[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one

Mongoose is French for “my goose.”

My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic

[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands

My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”

If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner

[creating anchovies]

God: How can we ruin pizza?

Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions

I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops

Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:

Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan air

Where does it end?

Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots

Me: *skips*

My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE

I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits

(Final maths exam)

Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over

Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.

Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…

DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this

(flirting) sooo how do you feel about girls who are brooding, intense, and inherently off-putting in all social situations

paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.

“I love this song!”

“This is my favorite song!”

“I love this song!”

“No, THIS is my favorite song!”

~ Me, listening to my own playlist

they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems

I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker

My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices

*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*

“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”

Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support

Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.

Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast

Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.