Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
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I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
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TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
What’s a random act of kindness you’ve done for a stranger recently? I helped a bunch of teens buy alcohol and cigarettes the other day
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up