Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”

“what’s wrong with you” right now or in general

In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.

I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.

Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are

Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!

“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.

And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.

Bromans 4:19

When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.

CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT

My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch

[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”

WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?

ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back

her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?

me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?

Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.

People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.

Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.

him: your so cute! why are you alone!?

me: you’re

him: …

me: hello? hello?

I’m not saying I’m an idiot…

But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.

7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*

The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.

It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.

Finding Nemo 3:

Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.

Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.

Nemo’s mom finds them.

It’s a revenge tale.

Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”

15: “ya”

Me: “What colour’d you use?”

15: “I used orange.”

Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”

– mac n cheese has it’s own language.

Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard

People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.

[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?

Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of

JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.

LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.

JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.

I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.

You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.

*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*

*pays $47.00*

My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.