Beards are a privilege, not a right
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[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?