Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?

we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy

I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.

What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.

[reading dinosaur book]

8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl

ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus

8: how did you ever get laid?

Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”

Me: “Feel?”

No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.

When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.

If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.

Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.

But like, scarily. Or whatever.

My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.

Him: Do that thing I hate

Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions

“Eat only when you’re hungry” OK but what if I eat because I feel like something inside of me is missing and there’s a non-zero chance that missing thing is 27 more oreos

Me when someone tries to get to know me

A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.

He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.

Rich people don’t understand cereal

ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic

I opened a pistachio once…

Worst 37 minutes of my life.

women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.

women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.

Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!

If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.

Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual

if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.

“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.

[returning toothpaste]

Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.

I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.

Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.

My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.

Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.

Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…

Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.