Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast

I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”

Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row

Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back

[introducing my children]

…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex

a japanese vegetable pancake? in THIS okonomi???

A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?

the perfect number of cats is two stupid cats. preferably siblings. but they can’t both be the same type of stupid. one needs to be stupid (dumb) and one needs to be stupid (annoying)

BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?

ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning

BOSS: why a clown though

My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.

if I’m ever found dead in the woods, it’s probably because I was trying to pet a bear.

I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.

Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.

Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.

Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.

1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?

I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.

It’s happened

I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room

Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻‍♀️

[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°

If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!

My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.

Walks up in da club like

“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”

most of being a woman is just removing exclamation points from emails before you send them

I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.

If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.

I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant

Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.

[field sobriety test]

cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop

flamingo: oh hell yeah

None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.

wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes

Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?