Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
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If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
Might fuck around and respond “sorry, I’m on a bye” if my family asks me to do anything this week.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching