Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs

The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.

[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks

Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉

Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily

Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.

Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl

I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?

Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years

If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.

You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?

[making flamingos]

God: bird.

Adam: got it.

G: but it stand still a lot.

A: ok..

G: on one leg.

A: how high are you?

G: make it pink.

Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…

No, not the glass one.

My husband and l have a secret to making our marriage last. Twice a week we go to a nice restaurant, drink a little wine, eat good food, and enjoy
companionship.
He goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel

me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.

“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”

– Capitalism baby

Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.

Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.

I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver

DEAR @NETFLIX,

REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!

SINCERELY,
MARSHALL

2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.

My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.

“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.

If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.

Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.

[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.

Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…

[tearing off our clothes]

Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.

*kicks flip-flop through her TV*

Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”