Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
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ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
3yo (confidently): But Mommy, people do not eat cows.
Me: Uh, bud, we do. Hamburgers are made of cow.
3yo (uncertain laughter): Mommy, that is funny for pretend. But I mean for REAL.
Me: Yes, for real!
3yo (w/ scorn) No.
Me: What do you think burgers are made of?
3yo: People?😶
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
me: can you empty the dishwasher please
9: what? What do you mean?
me: how the hell can I be anymore specific?
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
can’t believe I got front row seats
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??