Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
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please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
all bases covered
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
so much oil in my hair rn america’s plotting an invasion
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry