Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.

last night i was drinking a non-alcoholic beer and the baby wanted to try it so i let her and she loved it and kept going back for more which would normally be fine but we were at a brewery so the optics were kinda like, not great

Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*

As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?

Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.

I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.

Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*

Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:

1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene

My dog after a walk in the woods.

“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully

Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.

Me: I’ll be home a little late today.

Son: Why?

Me: Two of our coworkers are leaving the company, so we are all getting together to celebrate.

Son: Wow, you guys must have really hated them.

Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.

If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.

Goat cheese is for herders.

When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..

Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT

Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour

Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong

Me: I haven’t started yet

[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin

[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–

[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…

[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*

I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.

I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her

The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…

Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.

eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots

I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.

St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.

[ Quarantine week 2 ]

We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.

@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.

Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.

They’re the only thing

Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!

[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible