Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?

Trust my gut? The thing that makes weird gurgling noises immediately when a work meeting goes quiet.

stretching isn’t enough I need to be able to disassemble my body like legos

Three things that are certain in life~

1) Death

2) Paying taxes

3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….

[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badly

ME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex

Do zombies go to heaven when they die?

I hope so.

There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.

a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles

Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.

Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.

[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]

Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.

[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg

name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture

Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.

Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.

I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.

Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.

[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”

‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people

Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.

Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.

Me: Go home.

I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.

Then I saw her arguing with him about money.

Now I see Santa drinking by himself.

My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.

He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go

Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.

Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.

the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny

*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*

Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils

[in the park]

ME: aww look a baby

WIFE: is it on me?!

ME: um no it’s in a stroll-

WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME

I like chaos.

-turns on news-

Not like that

I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.

Never mind, someone else just got on.

Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.

DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos

When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.