Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
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I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
When can I start eating bats again.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button