Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is

I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs

When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?

– kids

Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*

Him: how was your day, babe?

WIFE: This chowder is beautifully creamy, the briney flavours complimented by the celery and onion, with the apple cider rum a perfect accompaniment.

CHEF: Thank you.

ME: *putting a cocktail sword in a mussel* Look Sharon. A clamurai

“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*

Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.

Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.

I trust that will be the end of that.

i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”

Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…

America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM

I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*

Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car

After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.

Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?

Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore

*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*

Genie: Probably should have opened with that

*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*

5: Can we play music in our room?

Me: Sure!

5: Any music?

Me: Whatever you want!

5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!

Me: Nooooooooooooo

Christmas Warning:

Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.

You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.

If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.

When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.

[ speed dating ]

Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.

Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.

Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.

That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.

Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.

*first day as a vegan*

“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”

When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…

Y’know, to buy myself some time.

Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.

sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me

[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.

Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.

Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?

Me: Because you’re also a wreck.

Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.

It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life

Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle