Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
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My kid’s school thought 15 spirit days in the month of December was a good idea and now we’re one step closer to homeschooling.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
*gets stabbed at one of my fishing spots*
911 operator: i need your exact location
Me: nevermind
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
psycho uses a TON of central framing and its making me so mad because you just KNOW that alfred hitchc*ck was doing it for the sake of tik tok video clips
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
What makes us human?
Selecting all images with traffic lights
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*