Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*

My foot: I’LL GET IT

My brain: NO YOU IDIOT

KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist

any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together

6yo: You’re grounded.

Me: Okay.

6yo: FOREVER!

Me: Thank you.

DATE: I want someone who can cook

ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking

At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.

Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry

Her: ok

Waiter: good evening

Me: good evening Barry

No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.

Certainly wasn’t me.

I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together

My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.

2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged

~ This is a running joke

Icarus loved hot wings.

A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili

where’s Godzilla when we need him

I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol

Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.

Her: I can hear you.

Me: she could hear me

you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.

I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.

Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.

[holds out handful of sliced cheese]

pick a card

“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”

James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?

Therapist: That is how these things usually work.

I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.

the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos

ME: my son ran away

COP: we won’t rest until we find him

ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush

[first day as EMT]

Me: *checks pulse*

Victim’s wife: well?

Me: *shakes head*

Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head

The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.