Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
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Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
✌️
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!