Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
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“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!