Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The night before I started work at a global bird conservation charity, I had to google whether birds had teeth.

Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.

It feels very accusatory.

How long do you have to wait between naps?

“I am almost there, keep your computer on”, windows updates probably.

I wrote out SOS with M&M’s

Five minutes later

I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s

Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.

Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee

– book #1 of parent series

y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s

Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.

Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?

Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich

My wife gives me the speaking treatment.

[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)

ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*

I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.

Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.

I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.

Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all

Him: plays dead

Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you

Everyone’s family

Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.

Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep

My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag

My left hand: imma pet this doggie

boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car

The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?

Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?

*limbos under the caution tape

[first day as a 911 operator]

guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!

me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh

Merry Christmas

*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!