Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless

super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog

Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?

Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.

Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.

Them: Follow your dreams!

Me: *goes back to school without pants*

Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.

What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”

if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?

*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?

*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.

Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?

My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.

Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.

SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin

The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses

My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving

Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?

I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.

GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned

HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no

If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.

I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.

yea so i messed up lol

I drew y’all a little something.

World: What’s the date?

America: Well first and most importantly it’s June

introducing two cats is tedium. not interested in your dumb politics just lick each other and be normal already

Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*

Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*

those beautiful naked women have made a compelling argument i’m going to steer this ship into the rocks

[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want

I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.

Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.