Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
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I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
Sorry, I left in a separate car when you suggested a romantic drive.
Husband: …
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite