Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?

If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.

I’ll wait.

My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.

She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.

Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.

My grandma is fierce.

That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.

“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”

We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?

Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this

[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”

lol sometimes I-

[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”

In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.

Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.

every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box

Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.

Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.

My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.

[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*

I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.

If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?

*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*

i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops

Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.

When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.

Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”

My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.

{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.

I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.

The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.

Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL

Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?

Dj: Yes.

M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.

There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).

if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler