Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body

I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…

FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.

Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.

…. I have learned nothing.

Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.

Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?

I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”

You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?

During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive

If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.

I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars

I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.

This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-

Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore

My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up

You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?

Hahahaa WHY!!??

i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far

Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?

Me: You mean like the band?

Don’t judge a book by its cover, nor an establishment by its name. If I’m looking for a decent pizza, I go to Planet Fitness. If I’m looking for a fight, I go to Waffle House.

That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”

Friend: What are you doing this weekend?

Me: Amusement Pork.

Friend: You mean Amusement Park?

Me: No, I don’t.

i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again

A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.

I’ve never completed a marathon, but I’ve listened to my mom tell a story, so don’t talk to me about endurance.

we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us

Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.

girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird

me: ok

[later at the funeral]

me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence

Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!

Love Mom XO

It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.

Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.

If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?