Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
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Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
What.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?