Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.

Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.

My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.

“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”

My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.

If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful

My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.

Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.

Is this your 1st video conference call?

*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm no

So you’re aware we can see you?

*Cough* what *cough*

The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors

20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys

30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car

40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids

I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck

[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”

My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.

“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”

The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.

God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference

It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.

“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”

Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.

Jimmy Fallon:

Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*

Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great

FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.

[later]

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster

I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.

Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:

if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.

WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇

*links to story on mainstream media site*

I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes

[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.

Just know I tried.

*getting ready for bed*

Me: Oh did you lock the front door?

Burglar: I’ll go check it

Me: Thanks hon

Wife:

fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you

In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”