Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”

So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .

Guess who got his yard cut?

Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?

Me: Are you volunteering?

You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor

I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”

When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me

I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.

The symmetry is uncanny.

This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.

I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.

Hear me out:

Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.

This is where we’re at, people.

TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall

My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.

You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this

how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms

Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”

Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes

Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.

Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.

Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.

*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*

I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.

Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit

Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?

Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.

Just once, I’d like to have a fully baked idea.

All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer

I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”

Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.

I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.

I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal

i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot

Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?

My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.