Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
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I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
This one’s “Alex”.
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”