Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught

do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.

When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.

people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying

You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache

ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?

ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.

my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot

‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’

Me, today: don’t text and drive

Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*

I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.

I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.

I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.

“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?

It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity

Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”

Me: *pooping with the door open*

Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”

Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat

Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.

Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas

If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle

My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”

You: Wow, check out that cool dog

Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area

imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down

Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars

My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.

I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.

If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.

Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?

(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp

Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?