Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
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5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!