Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.

If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D

In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.

I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.

My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.

i know i’m gonna be alone forever because one time i went on a date with a guy who told me he was an optometrist for the veterans association and i said “haven’t they seen enough”

I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes

Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”

Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”

“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers

“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”

*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*

I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”

Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”

Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us

You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on

Do you know how fast you were going sir?

“15,000mph?”

Wha? No,like 65?

“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”

I guess so.

“Ok bye”

bye?

I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in

Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now

Them: Pleasure to meet you.

Me: Give it time.

after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams

Was dancing with a lad last night, and his mates dragged him away for the last train home… he said “my names Maff I’m from Kettering, find me”… imagine if life were that easy 😅

They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness

Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.

That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.

How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer

Son: the devil made me do it

Me: what did I say about that

Son: not to call my sister the devil

HER: Wow you look great.

ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.

Can’t talk, competitively eating

*sharing nachos with my 17yo son

Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.

*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*

*watches people scream into the box*

That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.