Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.

I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?

My mind: Age is just a number!

My lower back: Lolololololol

PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.

Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that

Me: *gets in from fishing trip*

Girlfriend: did you catch anything?

Me: *sighs* just an old boot

Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?

[day after the beast’s household got turned back into people]
beauty:

beast:

beauty:

beast:

beauty: …so we just don’t have cups now?

My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work

He didn’t suffer, it was instant

Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g

When you go on vacation because your significant other wants to and you want to avoid a fight.

Placation.

When a shoelace touches your ankle

The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.

Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right

Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*

An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.

Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity

Babe, you’re just perfect for me

Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man

Found this gold ring today in a garden… just to be safe I should go throw it in a fiery mountain. Gonna need 8 nerds to take a little walk with me, who’s in?

ME: *reads war and peace*

SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*

When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.

And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”

The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo

GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT

Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.

I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.

In my will, when I die…

To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.

Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.

capitalism is charging someone $200 after they die

It’s completely absurd that Silicon Valley is pushing AI on us before they figured out how to keep fries fresh during takeout and delivery.

I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!

People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.

as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.