Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me

Chaos ensues as I try to stop my 3yo from falling off the couch. My 5yo runs into the room and screams bloody murder. She stops and goes:

“Sorry. I didn’t know what was going on, so I just started screaming”

And it’s like, indeed, my little love; you’ve just described Twitter

Im not joining no alternate twitter app not gon lie, if this gets taken down im starting a family

“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.

My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”

Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers

I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.

[argument w/girlfriend]

HER: you know what your problem is?

ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out

has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?

Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”

Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”

Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”

Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”

I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find

We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.

Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*

cover letters are so embarrassing. why am i writing a love letter to this email job

I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.

I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.

Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish

“I have a date with destiny”

Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions

I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.

i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30

GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing

ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me

GUY: DAMMIT

roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti

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*in court for murder*

I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.

my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that

me: not today satin

How to parallel park:

1) Park somewhere else.

[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!

what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??

[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]

ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*