Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.

[face down in a bowl of hot soup]

waiter: is everything ok?

me: *bubble noises*

My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?

Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.

her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy

me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy

her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it

nobody:

TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding

Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.

Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”

“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”

Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu

[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?

Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*

Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*

so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.

Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?

asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla

Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.

a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real

Tracklist for Donda 2

1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D

If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.

i will not be silenced

My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”

Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.

Notice how ghosts never wear fitted sheets?

Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”

We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.

Or at least I am.

Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?

*blinks profusely at cashier*

Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.

Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!

Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.

Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament

I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.