Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
You Might Also Like
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
My dog watching me set my burrito down when I go to answer the door
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
Still my favourite meme.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking