Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Inkling sounds like a baby octopus

ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes

I’m too immature for adultery.

The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.

[job interview for psychic]

INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

ME: Well played.

The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.

*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?

I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence

Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero

Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”

Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.

[blind date]

HER: I love the fall

ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming

I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind

My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?

you gotta separate the art from the artist. like, for example, sometimes the artist is really nice but their art sucks

Which demographic buys the most barbies?

Australian fathers

Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?

Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.

Me, meeting anyone from instagram.

Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy

Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*

2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead

Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him

If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.

CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.

Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.

[radioshack meeting]

employee: sir, overall sales are really low.

CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?

[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-

[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your house

me: I’m at the supermarket

murderer: ok

me: I’ll be there in 10

Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?

Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?

Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.

Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??