Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.

when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you

Find you a girl that can lay eggs.

Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love

Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.

it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option

Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me

I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.

I was born to run.

Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you

Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.

My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.

Crisis averted, for now.

Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans

I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.

[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.

Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.

I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments

Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?

Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.

interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words

me: mathematically challenged

my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password

Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.

I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.

If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it

I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.

To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.

HIM: What are you doing?

ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.

HIM: How much is in there?

ME: $5.40

can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?

Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.