Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
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Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
Should I be disturbed by the way my 8-year-old daughter plays doctor? I was her patient today, and she just made me fill out forms the whole time.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
🎶…we didn’t start the fire🎵
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
I need to become a boxer. I mean, I hate fighting but love wearing shorts with superfluous fringe
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
“Are you ready to apologize to your sister yet?”
