Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t take drugs… for granted.

I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning

Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it

[in the bedroom]

HER: you got some in my hair

ME: whoops my bad

HER: and in my eye

ME: sorry I can’t control it

HER: have you ever painted before

These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.

My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’

BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool

ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah

Pretty certain I can more drunk

My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.

I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.

*sigh

He’s never gonna let me down.

I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.

decorating my apartment

Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.

Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.

My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!

Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend

Having switched her bedroom light off last night, I softly said goodnight to my 11yr old. Tenderly moving her hair from her face and telling her that I loved her, she looked at me and responded with:

“Your teeth are illuminous.”

I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.

Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread

If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs

*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT

Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that

god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem

People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.

Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long

Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.

Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.

Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”

Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?

Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!

Other judge: Security

Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!

Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.