Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?

Astronomer: No, comet.

One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.

Salesman: This model corners really well

Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*

I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.

I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.

Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.

I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.

The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize

[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at midday

chicken: gotcha

Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.

Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji

If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’

I am not telling the truth.

whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing

My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.

ME *enters new password*

COMPUTER: Ok

M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?

C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind

I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.

Leaving the Barbers like

If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.

[job interview]

HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking

*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair

HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”

Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”

Trinity: but why though

Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”

I haven’t given up on my fairy-tale ending. I still plan to be eaten by a wolf.

If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.

Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.

wife: where are the beans?

me: i made phones with the cans.

wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?

small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.

My kid put a bright flashlight up to his eye so naturally my response was to say, “Hey, I worked too hard to make that eye just for you to ruin it.”

[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager

I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.

-people that are about to start ugly crying

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ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?

ME: Not murdering.

ATTORNEY: But where were you?

ME: {sweating} The not murder store.