Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
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my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women & they want us to make the first move. 😏
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
Guy at the airport bar is hitting on my gf directly next to me and i can finally watch youtube videos with both headphones on now that shes occupied
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then