Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
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I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
if I was a priest I’d make my side of the confession booth really big so I could run around
stages of moving house
1. omg i have so much stuff i’m so stressed
2. wait i don’t have that much left i’ll be fine
3. omg i have way more stuff than i thought
4. fuck. the kitchen
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
