Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
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Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
“you added a trusted device” I trust all devices. If a device harms me I probably deserved it
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.