Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
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Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.