Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up

I know VERY basic Japanese.

When I got to Japan, I tried a Japan exclusive Starbucks drink. My bf is allergic to nuts so in perfect Japanese I asked,

“does this have nuts in it?

The cashier said “ooh, nut allergy?” (In Japanese)

I responded…..

“Sí.”

…

I HAVE NO WORDS 😭

cop: *knocks on my car window*

me: sorry is the music too loud

cop: yes

me: *sets down bagpipes*

Texas.

Where the vegan menu item is chicken.

When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️

I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree

this article brought to you by lions

I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.

I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.

“Don’t ask.”

– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask

me: it’s recommended that to relieve stress you leave your desk and take a walk

boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days

Me: OMG I feel amazing!

WebMD: sounds like cancer!

ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay

TAXI DRIVER: Again, no

DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok

“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”

“Uhhh….why?”

“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”

“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”

If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG

Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice

Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance

Kristoff: She is literally dying

Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG

Me: It’s cold out there today!

12: How cold?

Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright

12: *sighs*

How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face

Cow it started Cow it’s going

My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.

Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.

*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*

Kids: We want a kitten!

Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?

5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?

me: no, there’s no oxygen

5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?

me: then yes

5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?

me: then no

5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?

me: is someone paying you to do this?

“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”

*Googles my ex’s house*

Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*

A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.

When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.

Brother?