Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
You Might Also Like
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
oh you homeschool your kids? that’s cool i actually homehospital myself. that’s where i avoid the doctor and go on webMD until i start crying
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
And that about sums it up.
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
