Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.

My Grandpa reached 110 yesterday.

That’s the last time I get in the car with him driving…

I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.

-me, about to break the dryer

Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid

When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.

wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what

I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.

*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?

I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.

Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks

2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs

I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.

Farmer: These two chickens share a nest

No one:

Me: Would you call that cooperation?

jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done

Me:

Obama:

Me:

Obama:

Me:

Obama:

Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while

Obama:

Me: like we all know who he is, but

Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™

Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for

In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”

If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.

Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha

Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife

I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024

Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.

if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo

My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.

I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.

do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge

my body is a machine that turns traumatic experiences into 10 likes on twitter

Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?

Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.

I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese

[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT

Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.

7: Ding Dong.

Me: What?

7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.

Me: Oh. My. God. 😂