Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
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boss: why aren’t you getting your work done?
me: [staring at 5 hours of meetings on my calendar today] it’s a hell of a mystery really.
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
If the NSA is monitoring our texts we are so screwed.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
traveling back in time to proudly inform benjamin franklin that my stove has wifi
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
So I used to wonder about people that paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water until I read it backwards…
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Today I’m going to give it my almost
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience