Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
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Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
my 19 yr old daughter suspects the 22 yr old boyfriend of her friend who is also 19 is dating someone younger so he has someone to provide end of life care because he’s so old and I just can’t
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
I’m going to start the new year with some spring cleaning. It won’t take long because I don’t own many springs.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
Tonight I will make history!
Turns off incognito mode
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
Me: *all four burners going, two pots boiling over, oven beeping, being burned by grease splatter*
8yo: Mom!! You’re not even watching my cartwheel!
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
FINE, I WON’T.
So apparently a doctor’s note doesn’t get you out of work for multiple years
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the