Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
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i did the math
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant