Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.

Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.

Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.

Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock

Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.

Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP

Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable

Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.

I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.

You did. You thought of vanilla with meat, you absurd rutabaga. Go put yourself in the corner and think about what you’ve done, while blaming the recipe author for your own stupidity.
(Recipe was for Hamburger Steak with Onions and Gravy)

The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.

What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??

A Boo Meringue

Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.

PATENT PENDING!!

I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.

Honest job application:

On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.

will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days

My dog couldn’t find his favorite toy so I got on my hands and knees and crawled around the house for 10 minutes looking under all the furniture, and he was SO excited for me to be down there with him, I could tell he was like “YES she finally figured out how to walk”

My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.

One hamburger please

CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here

Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please

The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.

HER: I love how we always finish each other’s

HIM:

HER:

HIM:

HER: Marriages

interviewer: why do you want to work here?

me: to be able to afford food

interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job

me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?

My brain when someone says something shitty to me: ok 😔

My brain when I’m trying to fall asleep 3 months later: Know what you could’ve said? bro you are not gonna believe this, it’s perfect. But actually if you don’t like that one, I came up with 17 other options ok ready

Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?

Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.

Her:

Me: *winks*

Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*

Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.

I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.

Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.

[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”

JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?

I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.

wife: what r u doing

me: shredding my birth certificate

wife: why

me: *starts disappearing* it’s working