Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.

My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.

Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.

My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.

first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it

RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go

At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.

I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat

Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”

Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling

Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.

“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”

Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.

me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!

my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami

Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?

Me: I’m Gen-X

Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now

Me: No, it means I…

Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest

Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank

Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!

Uber: What?

Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out

“If you love something, set it free…”

Unless it’s a man…

Cause he’ll get lost…

And you know he won’t ask for directions…

How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?

CATHOLICS: 18

(2022)

All. The. Damn. Time.

My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.

If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?

i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes

Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?

Clerk: Trapper Keeper?

Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.

Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.

I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.

When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…

Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?

Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.

When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire

this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane

The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!

“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”

Not my sister’s dog looking like a 13yo girl who just got grounded for texting during class