Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly

You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.

BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.

The Police have no lead.

[hours after first date]

HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.

*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*

me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds

realtor: that just means it’s settling

my fiancee: *creaky sounds*

The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.

Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.

*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*

I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.

yeah i’m a bit of a rebel

My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.

[in doomsday bunker]

wife: we’re out of food

me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive

chicken: yes but who?

Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down

Sorry. Not sorry

Me: * tastes dog treats*

Stalker: frickin weirdo

Zombies never bite hipsters.

They taste fine.

We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.

My kid put a bright flashlight up to his eye so naturally my response was to say, “Hey, I worked too hard to make that eye just for you to ruin it.”

Camping?
No thank you.

If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”

Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade

Me: Sweet!

Clerk: Exactly

Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…

{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?

Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.

Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance

*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.

I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”

Me: what’s this fee?

Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.

Me: ok

Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that

Me: do you know how money works?

Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?

Because it requires two i’s.

[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.