Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
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Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.