Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
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I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
my 10 year old son is about to start trombone lessons this year at school.
his band teacher’s intro email has me howling!
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
Breaking news:
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
monday
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.