Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.

Dear young cashier,

$100.89 is not pronounced $189.

Signed, a lady you scared

Ugh

*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

*talking to a baby*

Me: Can you say ‘dog’

Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’

[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish

Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories

[at recycling center]

Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*

Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*

If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs

Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.

[Wizard of Oz characters Now]

Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa

So true for me

When a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. She will love that.

Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber

Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.

My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.

[on deathbed – calls for son]

“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”

Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.

What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?

Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.

You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.

If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.

[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years

When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.

Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.

*first date*

Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.

Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.

I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.

I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”

I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.

Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!

bird keeper: ok hear me out.