Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.

Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.

ME: [holding my breath]

MY BREATH: This is nice.

On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”

My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.

I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.

her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else

me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us

her: who?

me: holy shit

no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads

Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!

I am travelling in the Mexican wilderness and have been accepted into a pack of pumas!

They protected me last night while I slept. Deeply honoured to say I think they are are also happy to let me have some of their breakfa

Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.

Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.

If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.

Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.

Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents

Kids: Yay! Summer break!

Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!

*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*

Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass

Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?

Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you

Scientist: too late

At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.

I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.

Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.

Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day

Me: lights xmas candle

Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE

I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.

WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her

*watching someone make a cake*

them: and now add the mascarpone

me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses

I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off

If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.