Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”

– Viruses

Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.

ME: I played Wordle today

SON: great

ME: Do you know what Wordle is?

SON: no

ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters

SON: great

ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?

SON: no

I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.

And my shoes got wet.

if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones

I’m NOT Superman.

What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.

This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.

Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”

People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor

RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts

Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.

*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*

*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*

Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.

If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.

Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁

Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup

[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.

Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.

every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”

INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure

I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.

APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.

Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?

Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.

Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again

Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis

3: I hit you in the head with the shovel

me: um, no thank you

3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle

[i arrive in hell]

Satan: welcome

Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol

Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up

Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao

Satan:

Me:

Satan:

[i arrive in super hell]

If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.

They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul