Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?

That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family

I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.

ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?

i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway

The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white

I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.

I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.

I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.

i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them

Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning

One more week not killing my basil plant so I’m a farmer now

CDC: keep at least 6 feet—

Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS

My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.

Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.

When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.

haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in

Preparing for Milton by stockpiling Pop Tarts.

Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.

Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?

If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”

“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel

5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.

Me: OK, then no ice cream.

5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.

There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her

the hypocrisy of humans judging a cat for hunting a bird like they’re not ordering chicken nuggets with zero remorse

I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids

And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.

It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.

“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”

Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.

Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.