Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friday the 13th doesn’t even feel creepy cause bad things happen everyday now. 🫶🏽🫶🏽

People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.

Yet the one time I did, I got banned

[watching This Is Us]

*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.

Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.

Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.

I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”

#WhenIMisspelled ya know.

*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*

I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS

I’m quitting drinking for a year.

*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.

Sorry, punctuation is everything.

Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.

Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.

It was a tampede.

mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*

genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?

mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye

genie: *looks at the lamp*

lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*

genie: i for an eye 🙂

Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.

christening a ship with an overripe banana

At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.

In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.

I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.

I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night

Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.

me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock

A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.

[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER

A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.

[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]

reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.

superman: yes, yes I did.

reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?

superman:

reporter:

Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.

Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.

I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.