Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.

“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.

“Wow,” she says.

This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.

My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning

me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?

guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes

Yes Pony Express?

I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?

I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.

Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?

THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!

Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.

Her: What?!? Children? Since when?

Me: Since I’m getting audited today.

I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…

Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.

Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.

me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up

my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass

how much would they have to pay you to be the model for this article

shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit

Most people: I guess balloons are ok

Me:

when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse

Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.

Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi

Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.

All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…

Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.

A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time

You find my yoga pants distracting…

…would you like me to take them off?

next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom

You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.

[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]

Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!

Ken is short for chicken

They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!

A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…

god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast

angel: and so wild

god: only a lunatic would ride one

angel: are you—

god: —ima make a lunatic