Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
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*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
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Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
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“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
Eggs benadryl my favourite
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
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person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Ugh
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Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you