Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple

Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back

Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.

Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.

All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.

When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”

I’ve been watching a 3 yr old all day like a hawk and I stepped out the room for 1/1000 of a second and came back and she was dangling from the ceiling fan about to toss a hand grenade

Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.

[first day as chinese police officer]

me: guys…it happened again.

[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…

jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs

peter: w-what

jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now

john: are you ok

peter: jesus you seem a little… off

jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year

When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.

[Arrested for prank calling police]

Cop: You get one phone call

Me: ok

*cop’s phone rings*

Me: is your refrigerator running

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘arrogance’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Of course I can, don’t be stupid

Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.

Me: Describe your love for me in one word.

Him: My what?

9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.

“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.

Pretty disgusting that Air Bud can dominate any human sport, but I join one greyhound race and get put down

Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee

[checking IMDb while watching Planet of The Apes] …oh, the zoo! That’s what I know him from!

After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.

The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.

Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.

Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.

Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?

Wife: what’s wrong?

Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought

Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.

There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.

Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.

[at Doctor’s office]

“When’s the last time you had sex?”

Last night.

“With a male or female?”

Oh…with another person?

“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.

These are my emotional support Pringles.

Had to do a parent phone call today. The parent asked me why I was calling them about their child’s behavioral issues. I-