Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
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We decided to have money instead of children.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
“I’m gonna leave the study room for a couple hours.”
“So another patron can use it?”
“No, my stuff’s in there.”
“So you’re not using it.”
“I am using it. For my stuff.”
“The rooms are for people, not stuff.”
“My stuff is an extension of me.”
“I should have gone to law school.”
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
Be the reason they start searching bags for googly eyes at the entrance to your local zoo
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.