Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid

[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™

CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.

M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever

Me: I have a headache.

WebMD: and it will be your last.

Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along

In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.

Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE

Created by Jews, saves humanity.

Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.

Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?

Do they award purple hearts for injuries playing* laser tag?

Asking for a friend.

* Dropping the gun on your foot while putting on your vest.

Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.

*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*

“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”

My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.

“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”

But daddy, Santa likes-

[gently puts hand on his head]

“do what I say or he’s not coming”

I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.

Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….

Friend: How’s the new job?

Me: Can’t complain

Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?

Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain

if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.

Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.

I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters

#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.

“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk

The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline

Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.

Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.

girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?

me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets

girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda

*tries hard*

*fails*

*tries flaccid*

Me: Netflix and chill?

Her: sure

Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password

Her:

Me: and don’t forget the condoms!

The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.

My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium

People say “Home is where the heart is”.

Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.

Idiots.