Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?

I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.

*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right

French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.

Me: Where’s the 5th?

FG: Cinq.

I was overcharged by a plumber!

So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.

Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.

*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope

What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?

A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.

Why are the pyramids in Egypt?

Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.

You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.

I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”

My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”

*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*

Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”

Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that

My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.

My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”

Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…

I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy

Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.

No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.

If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.

[brain surgery]

SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork

ASSISTANT:

SURGEON: …over that scalpel

Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you

This came to me in a dream.

Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me

ME: will you *opens box* marry me

HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp

ME: idk is that a yes

I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.

Thanks YouTube

Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.

So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”