Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”

*Walks 500 miles

*Walks 500 more

*Is the guy who falls down at your door

*Knocks

*Gets no answer

*Realizes he should have called first

Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂

Me : I have changed my mind.

Wife : Hope the new one is working.

Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular

When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.

boss:

me:

boss:

me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]

If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.

Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.

*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*

Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL

Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party

Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??

aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this

Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated

Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.

Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.

If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?

There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.

From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?

Me: *nods*

Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor

Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.

employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao

Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie

*takes guests to the grocery store*

[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me

[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not

One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.

me: im not the jealous type

her: good i hate jealous guys

me: what guys. how many guys do u kno

If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.

What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️

me: *making sandcastles with my sister*

my mom: *takes away the urn*

Killer: come out come out wherever you are

Me: *hiding*

Killer: omg what a cute puppy!

Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man

Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get