Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
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I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Watching a movie about a lonely girl who ends up becoming prom queen! Really makes me believe that anything can come true 🥹 can’t wait to see how it all ends!!!
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door