Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
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The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
Worst perfume name ever.
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Listen, it took 5 Guys to make that burger. That’s why it’s $16.99.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
Hero horse inspires millions
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…