Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets

[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney

I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.

You can only regret what you remember.

-Tequila

I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.

My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?

Me: Wait til after dinner

Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!

Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.

God: And then let’s send in murder hornets

Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?

God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus

Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?

God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?

Date: Do you practice safe sex?

Me: I use the pull out method

Date: That doesn’t work!

Me *pulls out accordion*

Date: I don’t want to have sex with you

Me: It always works

i have one speed and it’s mosey

I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.

Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.

Now go to bed,you’re drunk.

It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.

“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.

i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?

If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?

I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box

I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.

Adult: What’s that a drawing of?

Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family

My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER

if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk

Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat

why does this picture look like abed accidentally transported into gilmore girls and not that the actor is actually in this scene

I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.

My neck, my back, my…

I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are

I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.

When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.

[bedroom]

Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished

Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*

Me: no please I forgot the safe word

My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.

Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.