Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures

“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.

The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.

Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.

Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.

‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’

Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:

“The meeting’s cancelled.”

*first time fishing*

Me: Ok now what

Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth

Me: orkay nrow wrhat

[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]

Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area

Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds

Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist

Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.

I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.

Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.

Plaintiffs and defendants should have courtroom entrance music like professional wrestlers

[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers

DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?

ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there

Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.

Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.

If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.

HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar

Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.

Highway cops are so childish. Oh you’re hiding behind a bush in your Ford Escape? Gonna pop out and chase me? Grow up

Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.

My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.

By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.

A visual representation of how much I think countries look like a chicken nugget. More green = more nuggety.

All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.

accurate

“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”

-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot

My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.

First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.

Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’

Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’

Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘

Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’