Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers

I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.

Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.

Him: It’s like people are going feral.

Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*

It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.

I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.

Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?

When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.

Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.

Her: He liked to ride fish?!

It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.

So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.

Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.

My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.

the sun is so successful because it has the perfect bedtime and morning routines

If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.

A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:

*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*

ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?

This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒

I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.

She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”

Rather alarming headline…

90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.

There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.

Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?

*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*

Rattle snake

you should get a pension for having to go to school for 12 years

I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”

In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.

In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.

Arrest that man!

Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”

Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard

My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire

People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor

i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me