Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…

…for the 22nd time.

My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”

My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.

I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.

[Baseball game]

ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex

HIM: What? No, baseball came first

ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball

One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day

Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.

moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed

I had 2 critical meetings on Tuesday. I was SO worried & nervous about them but it went okay. I was composed. I was fierce. I was prepared. And I was wearing my shirt backward the entire time. (I only realized after I got home.)

There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade

I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.

Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.

😂😂

[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]

Me: must be good genetics

Hilarious if literal: arms race

Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*

thank god I have a cat. who else is gonna shit in this box I have

Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.

After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.

Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.

When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love

“Get over yourself.”

*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog

It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:

Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?

Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line

I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷‍♀️

HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:

Dearly Beloved

I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.

Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.

Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.

Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.

First Date:

Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?

Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)

Mom, can you take us to the maul?

-teen bears, probably

Shrek + Akira = Shakira???