Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.

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Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon


Wife: pass me the rock sample bags

Me: I thought you brought them


I sexually identify as Nickelback because people are ashamed of how much they secretly enjoy me.


If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.


[my future self comes back in time]

HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years

ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me


Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”


You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug


The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.


[first day as life guard]

guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!

me: *moving my arms* like this but in water


wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes