Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
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My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
Love this one 😂🧟
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan