Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
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I sexually identify as Nickelback because people are ashamed of how much they secretly enjoy me.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]