@joeljeffrey: Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
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@DanMentos: *rings bell* "Can I help you?" Yes I'd like a dragon on my back an- *starts pooping on a crucifix* WTF? *checks sign on door* "Taboo Artist"
@illiter8too: ME: I call bullshit getting kicked out of IHOP bc my anxiety falcon isn't tethered; that pug's not leashed. HOST: Ma'am, that's a toddler.
@caliluvgirl77: [introducing myself to new boyfriends parents] "Hi, I usually don't make it this far"
@RobinMcCauley: Can't stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.